POEM: “A Simple Win” — How can they trust – / that they won’t bleed their brains and hearts out / while I fuck reality, leaving them in the dust.

lego man

A Simple Win

Don’t think I don’t know.
I’ve got two letters in my mind
and I’ve just re-read them.
Just now.

Both were positive
From intelligent men
Trying positively to challenge
The way I am.

They were not wrong.
They were not wrong.

With attention, and caution,
they chose words carefully.
They expressed gratitude of me
and genuine concern for our dismantling.

I feel so immature – little girl child.
But I was never taught
How to be attuned to others at all times
How often I was forgotten.

Before leaving for London
Mark never said I was annoying.
But he wrote that I aggressively promoted
Ideas left of centre that were so socially unsettling.

He said once there he got sick to stomach
Two weeks missing me fierce in London, so awful.
Then logic, Mark’s logic prevailed
And longing dissipated, recasting our relationship’s discomforts.

Why was it never easy with me?
Unhinged, everything experienced so intensely!
He signed off forever, writing
“Yours, in perpetual confusion,” sadly.

He is not the first for the last one also
professed his love but became intolerant
& had to leave as it was all too much.
Never could win with my distortions.

Don’t think I don’t know.
I’ve got two letters in my mind
And I’ve just re-read them.
Just now.

Both were positive
From intelligent men
Trying positively to address
The way I am.

They were not wrong.
They were not wrong.

I’ve been blessed
with intelligent men
trying to get through to me
again, and again, and AGAIN.

“Why won’t you listen?”
or “I’m in love with YOU!”
And “Why don’t you get it?!
You’re driving me cuckoo!”

And I am sad tonight.
If I could only have said,
“Yes, dear. You’re right.”
And stopped my fights.

And shelved the drinks
That made me annoying.
And believed in his love
Instead of making him prove it.
And stuck to business
When he expressed his limits.

As young as four then
I was afraid of men
Yet tonight in two letters
It’s clear it’s not them

I’m afraid of myself now
And the ways I’ve been.
How much I’ve strangled
A simple win.

If I could have only said
“You know, you’re right
I don’t care much
For myself either tonight!”

And healers saying
“You’re doing fine!”
And forgive yourself
For what you have done alright.

But when a person
Takes time and thought
To approach you with positive
Challenge and suggestion

When it’s been hard for them
And they’ve been carrying the load
And your fights and your scratches
While trying to keep up your love —

then you’re an asshole.

My men have been heroes!
Turned up on doorsteps
After rejections
And my antics that were gross.

My men have been heroes!
Using words and wisdom
Walking on eggshells
trying to get us re-positioned.

I’m 44 going on twelve.
I’m illiterate in languages of love.
I criticize, I don’t like
and I judge.

Who should stick around?
How can they trust –
that they won’t bleed their brains and hearts out
while I fuck reality, leaving them in the dust.

Sylvie Hill, December 30, 2018