One-night Standards

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – June 30, 2005

So Canada Day weekend is upon us and that means a tonne of party people out and about maybe looking for some firecracker action, non? And I don’t just mean the graphic display down at Parliament Hill. I’m talking about in your pants, pal. Or, out of them – if you’re lucky.

Lately, I’ve been running into women over 30 simply jonesing for a one-night stand. Must be something about how women reach their sexual peak around that time. These horny chicks really know what they want at the end of a Friday night: straight-up sexual intercourse with a good-looking guy, no strings attached. You game?

These goddesses of whom I speak are single, beautiful and available – but not getting’ any! You see them at the gym, the video store, pub, bakery, work, on the lake, train, car, at IKEA and at the stadium. Then you see them out on a Saturday night. In short – they’re anywhere you go. And men keep asking me where to find these angels! And I keep telling them: they’re right under your nose!

Does this mean that you should assume all attractive women want to fuck you? No. ‘Cause all the hot dudes I see walking down the street don’t want to fuck me either, tragically. Thank heavens, too, because honestly – between Emceeing kick-ass festivals like Westfest, writing Shotgun and drooling over half-clad cyclists, Jesus, I just don’t know where oh where I would find the time.

I sympathize with men who become erect at the drop of a hat by sensualizing women they see at the gas station. There are so many sexy people in Ottawa, what are we to do with all this sexual energy but channel it in mad fits of naked fun!

But then some players are still coming up empty. I heard recently from a 31-year-old female acquaintance about a hot 21-year-old guy she was bedding who declined the offer for sex at the crucial moment. And another dragged a 28-year-old guy home –she didn’t put out – then actually apologized the next morning for “wasting” the guy’s time. In the last case, the guy said: “I wasn’t looking for sex.” Neither was the first guy.

In fact, the 28-year-old guy with a gentlemanly grace of God complimented the girl for her hospitality and friendship, feeling the “kissing and caressing,” that didn’t culminate in a full-on sex act, a cherry on top of a rendezvous sundae. How delicious. Ladies – most guys are content to lay stretched out and chill next to a naked chick. It ain’t cheesy and don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

But if you’re going to be a full-blown one-night stander, you’ve got to have some one-night standards. Do you know what they are? Really, the only thing standing in the way of a good time is YOU, and what you’re willing to do-and not do. To decide whether or not you should pull someone back home this weekend, here is a list Shotgun came up with to help Ottawans get laid bravely and safely. If we’ve missed anything, let me know!

1. Pick up line Act natural. Be clear. Let them know if you plan to fuck them or not. Too crass? And letting a complete stranger finger your ass tonight ain’t?

2. Safety strategy Girls rely on gut, gall, their girlfriends and gitch. There’s no sex if it ain’t safe sex, and don’t underestimate dry humping.

3. Hospitality Give your guest some water, toothpaste and a hand towel. Remind them they’re still in Ottawa and make them look outside to get orientated.

4. The One Night Stand Make yours a slumber – not a sex – party. A bloke doesn’t need to get his rocks off during a one-night stand in order for it to be enjoyable (But, boys, have fun if the girl wants you to.)

5. Exit strategy If you’re uncomfortable, leave. Like my mate in NYC who went home with a chick from a bar only to find braziers stapled to the wall and dildos lining the bathroom vanity. You could say you had an operation on your penis and get the fuck out.

6. So long, sexy! No games. Give a number or don’t. Give them a door prize, a vitamin and they’re off!

7. Premature Eviction Got home and decided this was a bad idea or dude’s a freak? Hell, your Wingman helped you get the guy-now you need The Garbage Man or Woman to take out the trash. Ensure these helpers are #1 on your speed dial.

Now, I caution you against making character judgments about bed-hopping horndogs who actually bust a move and approach folk. Perhaps the ladies and gents sleeping around are more adjusted than you in your pathological stability and sad-sack excuse of a relationship. Think about it – they have refused to settle for unsatisfactory relationships and are filling their lives with things and people they like to do.

But Mom always said men don’t respect women who “go” with a lot of guys. Well, some guys won’t be all right with it, and some will. And when the time comes along, a guy will make it clear if he doesn’t want to be just a fling, but rather something more special. Until then, am I right in saying don’t consider this the starting point to something beautiful?

– Sylvie Hill