Sylvie Hill

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – February 9, 2006

People go to great lengths to get sex, either keeping their efforts between themselves and God or with all of New York City.

That’s right. Flippin’ through the New York Post last month, there it was in the popular Page Six column. John Lennon’s 30-year-old son, Sean, appealing to readers to find him a girlfriend.

“Any girl who is interested must simply be born female and between the ages of 18 and 45. I’m completely alone and I’m completely miserable,” he wrote in his half-serious ad.

Except for the “completely miserable” part, I’m like Sean sitting in the bleachers watching everyone around – from Colombians to Irish priests and my buddy, Bert – having relations and sex.

Imagine the sex going on in a small town in Colombia, where councilman William Pena is proposing that people 14 years old and up must carry a condom at all times or face a $200 (CDN) fine or a compulsory safe-sex course!

Penis-protecting Pena wants to reduce unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. But he’s enraging the shit out of Roman Catholic priests with this idea, which I don’t understand because it’s not like they don’t have enough money…

Don’t kid yourself – over in Ireland, apparently 40 per cent of the Catholic clergy is sexually active, said shit-disturber Bishop Pat Buckley in London’s Daily Telegraph (January 21, 2006). Some priests even refer to their collar as the “bird catcher,” Buckley added. Holy fuck! is right. (I can hear James Joyce snickering in his grave.)

Described as “Ireland’s rebel bishop,” the dude was sidelined by the Catholic Church in the mid-’80s when he set up his own ministry for those who felt alienated by the traditional church. He’s since set up an organization in County Antrim to “provide support to those in love affairs with the clergy.” So far he’s met with 147 ladies and their stories of adultery and “priestly promiscuity.”

Buckley’s observations leave a bad taste in people’s mouths only because he speaks the truth. He believes strongly that “enforced celibacy is an unnatural state.”

That sounds like Bert telling me how my current sexless state is making me boy crazy and that I should just go out and get laid. People like Bert seem to consider that “hot pussy,” as he refers to it, or “cock” is the key to (wait for it)… happiness.

And the latter has made yours truly very happy, but if it’s attached to an alcoholic dingbat it kind of loses its allure.

Sex doctor Ruth Westheimer said it best. She’s the author of Dr. Ruth’s Guide for Married Lovers and Sex for Dummies. She was in town last month giving a lecture at the Institute of Interdisciplinary Studies at Carleton University, and also did a CBC Radio interview. Dr. Ruth ordered us to get out there and do “it,” but to do it responsibly and with someone we care about.

Leads to the question, then, that when singles put themselves out there, like Sean, what are they hoping for? Sex? Or love? Or both? On a date, are you looking for constructive, wholesome output, or just to put out?

If you’re willing to wait for sex, great. But if you’re hornier than an Irish priest and sex is an inevitability, then drafting contingency plans when celibacy craps out on you is a smart move. Then again, if we all walk around with condoms in our bags, the sticky issue becomes whether carrying all that rubber will entice us all to go play outside in a wicked thunderstorm.

“Love makin’ love to you baby, in a thunderstorm,” croons my buddy, Kansas rocker Arthur Dodge (www.arthurdodge.com), in his song “Carry Me” off his album Room #5. Me too, it’s just that lightning bolts thrust from the heavens can be dangerous.

Especially when they fry the shit out of you. Or worse – like when the fireworks are over and you’re left lying there wondering, Is that it?

Oh, the things we do for sex. I mean, love…

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HE DROWN SHE IN THE SEA is the intriguing title of Shani Mootoo’s second novel. An accomplished writer and out lesbian who explores cultural, gender and sexual identities through her novels, poetry and multimedia, Mootoo will be delivering the annual Munro Beattie Lecture at Carleton University (Azrieli Theatre, room 101), titled “In the Temple of the Recurring Dream: Notes on Becoming a Writer,” on February 10 at 8 p.m. (free, reception to follow).

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SEX ON SUNDAY Join me and Durtygurls organizer Nichole McGill, and McGilligan Books (Toronto) novelists Maggie MacDonald and Debra Anderson, this Sunday, February 12 at Venus Envy (320 Lisgar Street), 7 p.m. It’s gonna get hot, packed and sticky. Leave the kids at home.

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BE MICHE’S VALENTINE Come on down to the Manx Pub (370 Elgin at Frank) at 9:30 p.m. for some big-haired guitar fun with Kelp Records’ Flecton Big Sky (a.k.a. Miche Jetté) and friends.

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GIRLS GET YOUR PEARLS Pearls of wisdom, that is. Are you a savvy and smart businesswoman interested in learning about good investments? Come to Par-fyum Bistro Moderne (70 Promenade du Portage, Hull) on February 21 for a seated three-course dinner and business seminar from a hip Manulife Financial rep. The event is $75 (includes a fabulous dinner, taxes and gratuities/receipt available). Arrive at 6:30 p.m. for a champagne reception. Call 770-1908 or contact Cherry Pie’s Catherine Landry at catherineknows@videotron.ca or 776-5161.

– Sylvie Hill