Sylvie Hill

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – June 9, 2005

In a male lover’s hot pursuit to prove his macho man-passion pumping action, he often overcompensates for what he fears is inadequate expertise by taking over and givn’er all night long. But you know what? While you’re fucking her like a superstar, contorting her body Cirque-du-Soleil style and lasting oh so long (someone get her an icepack), I got to ask you, you’re having a great time but do you even know she’s there?

Yeah, yeah … you got perfect technique, and managed to simultaneously penetrate her G-spot, find her magic button, kiss and sweet-talk her, releasing her body to the most exquisite sensations, and provoking sounds that might get her evicted. OK, so tell me Mr. Fuck Machine, where are you going to hang your medal? You heard me. It’s all about the guy, these marathon fucks, and it makes me wonder if women would have a better time with a virgin.

And while it can be enjoyable for a woman to be treated to an experienced lover who’ll throw her about like he owns her stuff, if it never changes up – if he’s always a Stalin hell-bent on enforcing his rules of loving rather than (pardon the cliché) “creating beautiful music together” – then what’s that telling you?

A man who takes too much control in the bedroom either a) believes women aren’t capable of pleasing him like he can himself (recall columnist Dan Savage’s warning to chronic masturbators: they risk rendering their cocks incapable of orgasm with even their most cherished of lovers); b) doesn’t accept that women can derive immense satisfaction from taking the reins and performing on, or for, their partner; or c) is scared of appearing vulnerable.

Do you agree, Shotgun reader, or did I miss something from my Friday night gabs with the guys down at the local watering hole?

The Try Too Hard type is missing out on the fun of a chilled-out gig where each abandons pretenses (and Christian hang-ups) of how sex should go. Forget what you saw in a dirty movie or overheard from some couple at a restaurant. Men’s Health Magazine’s Ask the Girl Next Door columnist Nicole Beland “suspects many men take their lovemaking cues from porn, but on fast-forward.” Her solution: “The more you vary the script, the better she’ll respond.”

Sounds cheesy, but when it comes to lovemaking, just look within. And when in doubt, use The Force, Luke.

The Force was there when you coached your wife breathlessly with an encouraging chorus of “Almost there, baby!” as that excellent woman of yours used The Force to muster up enough muscle to prolong her death-grip on your cock with one hand while the other played with your pods and dilly dallied your dark star all to satisfying and, might I say, explosive proportions. You go, girl!

The Force was there again guiding you Single Guys one Saturday night in Montréal when you respectfully let the new girl take your bed, while you settled for the sofa-like a perfect gentleman. To your surprise though, she came out of the bathroom stark naked and jumped your bones screwing you silly with the fit body of a dancer and corresponding stamina, endurance and rhythm and kisses, the elixir of sex magic. Who said nice guys finish last? You go, pal!

The epic sex saga seems more rewarding when you let The Force (and the woman) take over instead of turning things over to the dictator who lurks inside a lot of guys.

And in terms of who makes a better lover anyways, forget Storm Troopers. Those guys are built so you’d think they’d be good in bed. But while they’re apt fighters, they’re buff and dumb and not as interesting, as say the dark and mysterious Darth Maul, don’t you think?

Darth Maul – now he’s been around. His eyes are jaundiced and his face is all red and black. Clearly this represents years of drinking, high blood pressure and smoking while acquiring life experience as an outer space barfly. And yet, he excites me to no end. Yes, I have to reevaluate my definition of “attractive.”

But truly, it’s the unassuming nice creatures who can teach you a valuable trick or two. Take Yoda for example. He’s no Han Solo or sexpot Vader. He’s pretty fucking gross looking and is literally down to earth, living in a modest home in a swamp. But when Luke Skywalker’s spaceship was down for the count, Yoda was the one who counselled him on how to get it up.

And Yoda said: “There is no try, only do.”

Like Luke’s preoccupation with his inability to raise his rocket, so too can men’s preoccupation with their sexual performance be a barrier to stirring up some meaningful action in the universe. Sure the scene is memorable, but it’s ostensibly marked by shortcoming until, in the Jedi’s case, he puts some heart into the task.

Following Yoda’s teachings then, if men put their minds, soul and spirit – rather than just their egos and dicks – into making love to their woman, maybe we’d see a lot more return of the Jedi to the lair of the princess, no?

– Sylvie Hill