Sylvie Hill

Otherwise

Do you remember that time I said to you
that I was the only one who didn’t lie to you?
Your wife, her kid, my sister and the too-afraid:
I was brave, yet scared and still didn’t lie to you.

I wonder when you took down the frames.
What stories you had for your business associates?
Just as you’re the “Successful President”
Will they see my story clearly on Linkedin?

Maybe my gut wrench at injustice…
My obsession with feeling illiterate…
Maybe my fierce love for sad men…
Is from having a father who’s a sociopath?

Do you remember when you threw the dog across the lawn?
It showed up at our schoolyard – had you just got home?
Do you remember the photograph on the box of my mom?
You, downstairs, taking aim at it with your pellet-gun.

Do you remember your excitement chasing us?
— with a belt or scaring us with your teeth-ripped face?
Do you remember grabbing us by the hair that time?
We spilled milk – decades later, your new wife would say it was OK.

Do you remember that time I said to you
that I was the only one who didn’t lie to you?
Your wife, her kid, my sister and the too-afraid:
I was brave, yet scared and still didn’t lie to you.

Here’s the truth:

Do you remember how she treated Grandma?
with scorn and rudeness and ridicule?
When you lose your mind – and you will
do you think she’ll honour you?

I’ve been sick since July 4, it was shit.
Parasthesia, joint assault, fatigue, vertigo, and more.
My flat is infested with mouse shit and piss.
And I managed that alone, with work, and more.

Too poorly to think of how to put in an air conditioner
You would have loved installing it for this kid.
All that joy you took in helping me build that molecule
Yet how you withheld my money for uni to punish.

Fucking flip-flopper. Over-sensitive maniac.
Bizarre anal ritualistic behaviours, power trips
And scare-tactics on your past girlfriends –
You told me about it.

And through it all, I could understand
how a 21 year-old Calgary kid could go mad!
To this day, I empathize with becoming a dad by accident
Having to marry someone in whom you weren’t interested.

I’m the only who will not tell you lies.
But you can’t live without them, otherwise.

Sylvie Hill, Montreal, August 23, 2020