Sylvie Hill

The Ottawa XPress – July 7, 2005
BOOK REVIEW

Aviva Cohen’s Sex and Sublimation (Tritonia Press, 213 pages, $19.99)

Aviva Cohen’s debut novel gives art and authenticity a highly sexualized once-over

Sex and Sublimation is a literary gem that shines light on the role and responsibility of the feeling person in contemporary society. A text both stylistic in its postmodern delivery yet endearing for its simplicity (you can read it in a night), it will satisfy your craving for that long-awaited conversation about art and artists.

Indeed, Cohen’s debut novel is a superior contemporary Canadian contribution to the discussion of creative urge and personality development – a topic that gained popularity in the 1930s through psychologist and writer Otto Rank’s seminal text, Art and the Artist.

Sex and Sublimation is a gripping account of a cynical 23-year-old urban female looking to secure physical and spiritual survival in Brixton, U.K. The story follows Ria in her tight leather jacket as she explores the meaning of love, life and art through conversations in coffee shops, bedrooms, art galleries and in the council estate flat she shares with marginal folks.

Throughout her journey, she experiences a lot of anxiety, arguably because, by Rankian standards, she is the neurotic-artist type who suffers a burning inside: “It is that we have the gift of feeling deeply. Of sensing acutely. A curse when confused. A curse when unable to distinguish.”

Her sore stomachs and migraines are testament to her fight to create a meaningful existence in a power- and money-driven jungle. Her recourse and resulting depression, “punishment for thinking outside of the many labelled boxes.”

The book focuses on the need to sublimate these vibes into something productive or at least socially or culturally acceptable. But only at the end when Ria picks up a paintbrush does she begin to accomplish that.

Until then she has sex with strangers, which brings her little pleasure: “‘Just relax,’ Sandy’s finger on my clitoris. Pushing hard. Moving jagged…” She can’t come. “Then he plunges his body on mine. Inserts his scoop like a shovel in the grotto, scraping.” She’s left feeling used, but considers sex a place where “at least here I find something alive…”

And yet, at the expense of feeling “something alive,” comes disillusionment: “Don’t be naïve girl. Not even here is there anything that isn’t automatic.” Ria confesses, “I don’t want to become hard, closed down,” and hungers for connection. But she later undercuts vulnerability with a quirky, “When in doubt: screw! Like so many before.”

Unusual in the exploration of women and casual sex is Cohen’s substitution of moral judgment upon female promiscuity with a subtext of neurosis, practical discourse on the toxicity of apathy, and Ria’s “desire to see patterns that we are all trapped by.”

These are big topics, but Sex and Sublimation is punctuated by singular humour, that any threat of lofty pretension is blown apart by our protagonist’s candid, and endearing observations-like how she thinks “shitting” is the “last truly creative, independent, act” in a world of pretentious vernissages.

It all boils down to the courage to recreate a happy life. Ria issues a challenge: “Is it so terrifying to look totally afresh at the possibilities of who we are and what we are capable of?” Cohen’s nailed it. Time for you to answer the question.

– Sylvie Hill

Get Guerilla Magazine Issue #3

In 2001, I self-published a book of spoken word poetry called Hoxton Square Circles: Starfucking Tales of Sexless One-Night Stands. I didn’t have a clue about bar codes and ISBN numbers or anything else about publishing for that matter. I quickly recruited some fledgling graphic designers, sent the book to press, put out a CD, set up a book launch, did a lot of postering, had a film crew on site, and later distributed copies in stores.

Three years hence, I’m still paying off the line of credit used to finance the book and there are no new recruits to the Starfucker Press label. It wasn’t for a lack of interest–I just didn’t know how to finance or legally represent other writers. Number crunching showed I was actually losing money on every book I sold. And, after a contractual catastrophe with a Toronto artist whose sketches were about to go in my book, I realized without a good set of balls and the legal savvy to manage your talent and work, as an artist you’re up shit’s creek.

Yet along with this harsh reality came a lingering suspicion: Had I been more deeply rooted in a community of artists during my self-publishing experiment, I would surely have been more connected and, therefore, more educated about my rights and options. I would have had some helpful company while paddling up shit’s creek.

To test the strength of my theory in the pages of Guerilla, I spoke recently with a broad range of Ottawa artists–writers, zine-makers and photographers, visual artists and musicians–to find out what they knew about promoting their work locally. I wanted to hear about the pitfalls and challenges they have faced in self-promotion and, in the process, perhaps discover what makes an arts community helpful and supportive, and what makes it poisonous and debilitating.

A little help from your friends
My first lesson centred on the huge role community plays in encouraging and supporting art in Ottawa. This means that when it comes self-promotion, a friendly, sociable and genuine personality often wins the day.

“People who care about culture encourage others to keep bringing out things that are new and fresh,” says Rolf Klausener, The Acorn band front man and Recoilers bassist. “A sense of community is crucial to an artist’s development. Where people are aware of each other, it urges you on. It’s an energizing atmosphere. It’s competitive in a way, but as long as you feel you’re doing something good and not contrived, people will support it.”

So community rocks. But can you get too much of a good thing? When does community bleed into clique?

According to Drew the Drunken Dragon, promoter of the now defunct Spoken Word Broken Brushes, the key aspects of a community are individuals with inspiration and vision and how they hang out. “Cliques are uncool because of their exclusionary element. Part of art to me is openness and not about closing off,” Drew says. “It’s about sharing. It’s not about stodgy intellectuals who want to laugh amongst themselves,” he says.

Matthew Firth, Black Bile Press and Front & Centre litzine writer, takes it further: He can’t stand self-centered, egomaniacal writers. “There are already too many in this land, too many everywhere. 99% of the time I’d rather have a beer with the guys I play hockey with than with other writers I know.”

Neither Drew nor Matthew digs that air of superficial intelligence or superiority. “If you have powers, share them,” says Drew very diplomatically. “Don’t stand on a podium.”

And what about Ottawa’s literary world? Are “doing something good,” being kind, and producing some genuine art the keys to success here too? In my writing endeavours I’ve certainly come across some very helpful scribes such as Suki Lee (WestFest lit curator) or Kris Northey and Pierre Ringwald (founders of Step Up Slam), or Nth Degree and Megan Butcher. Their enthusiasm and down-to-earth approach are very cultivating. Events organized by these and other writers help shape and encourage the writing community–events such as Poattica, so named because it is held in the attic belonging to Wanda O, a 2004 CBC Poetry Face-Off participant.

“It’s competitive in a way. But as long as you feel you’re doing something good and not contrived, people will support it.”

Making a fat-ass impact in a face-value kinda town
When I reviewed Howie Tsui’s paintings more than a year ago for Toronto’s now defunct art magazine, Lola, I was blown away not only by his art, but also by his determination and assertive self promotion.

Shrewd as he is, Tsui had no stories about getting screwed over due to a lack of marketing savy or poor self-promotion. But he did have some input on the challenges of making what he calls a “fat ass impact” in Ottawa.

“The strength of the work speaks for itself, and if you’ve got some hype shit, word will get around and the local media and curators may get interested,” Howie says. His formula is simple. He suggests artists should try “working like a neurotic maniac on your art and worrying about business cards later.”

But aside from building a stellar collection of works to show, Howie acknowledges that personality traits can also be crucial to self-promotion success: “If you’re pretty introverted and shy, it may be tricky meeting people, making aesthetic links and discussing art with your peers. If you’re sociable but aggressive and creepy, that might not be too good either.”

Artist Jennifer Whiteford, a DIY queen and creator of Matildazine.org, is the furthest thing from creepy and she happens to agree with Howie: “I’m not sure if this is true in lots of other cities or what, but I think you have to be very social to be a successful artist in Ottawa.” Being obscure and mysterious would not help here much because Ottawa is a “very face-value kind of town,” says Jennifer.

Jennifer was greatly encouraged by people such as Jim Munroe, he of the Perpetual Motion Roadshow and Ladyfest. Other cultivators who give golden opportunities to literary artists include the TREE reading series, Nichole McGill’s durtygurls events and Jeffrey Ross’s Subterran reading series.

Sweet Kharma and helping hands
For an artist just starting out, such as 22-year-old Ashley Stevens, “it’s about being in the right place at the right time,” she says.

Not long ago, Ashley was featured in a CBC report about making it as an artist in Ottawa. And since then, it has been a relatively smooth ride for this former Canterbury High School student. Even before high-school graduation she was commissioned to do a series of paintings for Kanata’s posh Brook Street Hotel.

In addition to the good fortune which landed her the hotel gig (which featured12 paintings of her pierced and tattooed friends), Stevens has made many important connections at her place of employment, the Mud Oven clay studio. Here Ashley was approached by JC Sulzenko, author of the children’s book Fat poems Tall poems Long poems Small. Sulzenko hired Stevens to create illustrations for the book.

“It’s all about kharma,” Ashley told me nonchalantly over breakfast. “What goes around comes around. I really haven’t come across anyone who hasn’t been a helping person.”

Sounds great. But is Ashley in for a rude awakening?

No more Mr. Nice Guy, hello DIY
Aside from being uber-talented, super nice, having a mentor and letting some things fall into your lap, getting your art out there often requires one other thing: good old fashioned hard work. But once you get it out there, then what? Earning a living by actually selling work is another matter entirely.

Even if you’ve produced tons of material, Tsui points out, “Who the hell are you going to promote your work to in this town–the handful of lame ass commercial galleries in the Market who sell landscapes to tourists and take a 50% cut?” Tsui feels Ottawa fares poorly when compared to the markets in Europe, and even Toronto.

There are similarities in the literary world, for instance, where most booksellers take a 40% cut of your book sales no matter where you live. 2002 CBC Poetry Face-Off champ and author of Shock Therapy, Matt Peake had a little fun explaining his own “screwjob by Chapters” when trying to market and sell his book in Ottawa through the book chain: “They wanted 80% of all receipts and wouldn’t stock the book unless I put a picture of Dr. Phil on the cover and packaged it with a World Music CD they could play repeatedly in Starbucks to demonstrate Seattle’s international flavour.”

Matt may be exaggerating for effect, but not by much. Depending on the accessibility of your art, there simply may not be a huge audience for it in Ottawa.

“Edgy stuff or work inspired by artists from a dense metropolis with a thriving subcultural community doesn’t register within the consciousness or aesthetic tastes of a majority of Ottawa,” says Howie. “The cliché of a conservative town surely holds true.”

Visual artist Diana Gaunt is another creative person helping to push boundaries but she too has come up against that conservative limitation. In 2003, Gaunt made her own nude body the subject of a photography exhibit called “Exposed.” Though the work was startling and well received, she, like many visual artists, had to utilize a local pub for exhibiting space.

“When I showed at the Manx Pub, obviously it’s a public space and it’s not really a private gallery of any kind. But because it was a pub, I figured generally speaking, everyone is 17 or older ”¦however, out of the nine shots in the show, only six could be shown.”

Another resourceful visual artist, Tanja Handa–whose works are literally pages from her personal, visual diary–recently made use of an even more unconventional venue: Her parents’ travel agency located in the Sparks Street Mall.

“I thought that the travel agency would work against me,” said Tanja. “This is no-man’s land. No one has shown at a travel agency before.” Handa’s bold foray led to the sale of many pieces in the show. (The modest success, however, didn’t change Handa’s plan to leave Ottawa this fall. She’s now in Switzerland.)

“Who the hell are you going to promote your work to in this town–the handful of lame ass commercial galleries in the Market who sell landscapes to tourists and take a 50% cut?”

Selling out, or just plain selling?
What is selling out versus earning a living? It’s a fine line.

For her part, Gaunt is not shy about charging the right price for her photographic works. “You have to value yourself as an artist,” she says. “If you underestimate your place, well, you have to sell it for what it’s worth. It’s a lot of time and effort.” Gaunt explains that she may spend an entire day in the darkroom and still come out with a lousy print. So, when she’s crafted a good one, it’s worth the price tag.

If sales are not paying the bills, the pursuit of grants and other funding can certainly help, but Firth is not a big fan of the funding frenzy. He simply doesn’t think that getting grants and funding makes a good writer. “Just because the Canada Council is here in Ottawa is no reason to go lusting after that tit; don’t start thinking that an artist is only someone who gets a fucking grant and quits their day job and removes him/herself from the real world and starts writing or producing masturbatory rubbish.”

Matt recognizes he may sound a bit harsh, so he clarifies: “I just mean, get your head out of your arse and stop trying to get government funding for what you’re doing. Stop trying to latch on to the government nipple and suck and suck. Make what you do viable on its own terms, make it viable for other reasons besides financial ones.”

But without public assistance, is it even possible to earn a living in a city which, according to Howie Tsui, so undervalues its local art? “It’s somewhat disheartening to see people flinch at a $200 price tag of an eight by 10 inch original painting, when in other Canadian cities you could fetch double.”

In music circles, says Steve Palmer of The Setbacks, “People don’t buy records or attend shows just because the band has a killer record alone… they need to let people know that their records is the best thing since sliced bread. But that costs money, a lot of money. Local Ottawa bands don’t have those kinds of monster budgets to compete with mainstream artists,” he notes.

Palmer’s suggestion: “You need to work creatively with the funds and resources you have,” including low-cost activities such as postering, getting your name out on the right web sites, and getting your album into the hands of community radio DJs.

Sandra Abi-Aad knows how challenging it can be to get yourself out there. The visual artist and SAW Gallery president feels “there is a moral crisis happening in the creative sector between making art and making a living. The two are very different and few have what it takes to do both. A lot of talented creators get left behind because they simply cannot think business or choose not to.”

MAKING IT IN OTTAWA
All in all, the artists I spoke with didn’t think Ottawa was so bad a place to be an artist. Many local problems are merely the pitfalls of being an artist anywhere. And on the flipside, Ottawa has some benefits perhaps not easily attained in other places.

Chris Saracino was one of the co-founders and principals of Cleerance.co Northern Electronic, the Canadian electronic label that put out internationally acclaimed records by Chameleonic, Rise Ashen, and Monodeluxe. Chris is also drummer for The Setbacks. He says: “I think Ottawa is a great breeding ground for artists, and it can be a great place to start your career.” But, there are limits: “There are only so many people that you can hit up here before you have to migrate.”

MINDING YOUR MANNERS AND ART-BUSINESS PROTOCOL
So where does all the foregoing leave me and my theory? By talking to many artists, I learned what I knew I had to learn: That remaining active (and socially active) in the arts community is essential to your development as an artist. That being artful or creative in your business approach is key.

And the strong reliance on peer support and respect confirmed my hunch that just like we have table manners and bedroom manners, we also have artworld manners. Feed the culture that feeds you and you’ll do fine in the Capital.

Practically speaking, legal and financial savvy wouldn’t hurt either. But where to begin? Let me conclude with an extremely handy list compiled by Sandra Abi-Aad featuring 10 simple things artists can do in a town where venues, market price, integrity, talent, and most importantly–community–are all key factors in successful artistic self promotion:

Ten Ways to Conquer Ottawa
by Sandra Abi-Aad

1. Have enough courage and self-confidence to take your work public and to be held.accountable should you succeed. Once people see and appreciate your work, there may be an expectation which can become overwhelming.

2. Be aware that once you become ambitious the perception can develop that you have “sold out” in some way.

3. Realize that art is 10 per cent art making and 90 per cent promotion.

4. Ottawa in particular has a very insular creative community, which can be a tough nut to crack.

5. Make sure you get recognition for your work when it’s used–it’s your calling card and can be more profitable than money.

6. If business is not your cup of tea, get a lawyer (via legal aid) to help you out.

7. Join CARFAC, a visual artist union.

8. Never do business without a contract, even with friends.

9. Verify who will own the copyright on your product. It is surprising how copyright law can work for or against you.

10. Make sure there are clauses in all contracts that protect you–especially when it comes to getting paid! Insert a clause that requires the client to pay interest on late payments, or one that states that the product does not get delivered until the last payment is received. And, there is absolutely nothing wrong with advance payment.

– Sylvie Hill

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – June 30, 2005

So Canada Day weekend is upon us and that means a tonne of party people out and about maybe looking for some firecracker action, non? And I don’t just mean the graphic display down at Parliament Hill. I’m talking about in your pants, pal. Or, out of them – if you’re lucky.

Lately, I’ve been running into women over 30 simply jonesing for a one-night stand. Must be something about how women reach their sexual peak around that time. These horny chicks really know what they want at the end of a Friday night: straight-up sexual intercourse with a good-looking guy, no strings attached. You game?

These goddesses of whom I speak are single, beautiful and available – but not getting’ any! You see them at the gym, the video store, pub, bakery, work, on the lake, train, car, at IKEA and at the stadium. Then you see them out on a Saturday night. In short – they’re anywhere you go. And men keep asking me where to find these angels! And I keep telling them: they’re right under your nose!

Does this mean that you should assume all attractive women want to fuck you? No. ‘Cause all the hot dudes I see walking down the street don’t want to fuck me either, tragically. Thank heavens, too, because honestly – between Emceeing kick-ass festivals like Westfest, writing Shotgun and drooling over half-clad cyclists, Jesus, I just don’t know where oh where I would find the time.

I sympathize with men who become erect at the drop of a hat by sensualizing women they see at the gas station. There are so many sexy people in Ottawa, what are we to do with all this sexual energy but channel it in mad fits of naked fun!

But then some players are still coming up empty. I heard recently from a 31-year-old female acquaintance about a hot 21-year-old guy she was bedding who declined the offer for sex at the crucial moment. And another dragged a 28-year-old guy home –she didn’t put out – then actually apologized the next morning for “wasting” the guy’s time. In the last case, the guy said: “I wasn’t looking for sex.” Neither was the first guy.

In fact, the 28-year-old guy with a gentlemanly grace of God complimented the girl for her hospitality and friendship, feeling the “kissing and caressing,” that didn’t culminate in a full-on sex act, a cherry on top of a rendezvous sundae. How delicious. Ladies – most guys are content to lay stretched out and chill next to a naked chick. It ain’t cheesy and don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

But if you’re going to be a full-blown one-night stander, you’ve got to have some one-night standards. Do you know what they are? Really, the only thing standing in the way of a good time is YOU, and what you’re willing to do-and not do. To decide whether or not you should pull someone back home this weekend, here is a list Shotgun came up with to help Ottawans get laid bravely and safely. If we’ve missed anything, let me know!

1. Pick up line Act natural. Be clear. Let them know if you plan to fuck them or not. Too crass? And letting a complete stranger finger your ass tonight ain’t?

7. Premature Eviction Got home and decided this was a bad idea or dude’s a freak? Hell, your Wingman helped you get the guy-now you need The Garbage Man or Woman to take out the trash. Ensure these helpers are #1 on your speed dial.

Now, I caution you against making character judgments about bed-hopping horndogs who actually bust a move and approach folk. Perhaps the ladies and gents sleeping around are more adjusted than you in your pathological stability and sad-sack excuse of a relationship. Think about it – they have refused to settle for unsatisfactory relationships and are filling their lives with things and people they like to do.

But Mom always said men don’t respect women who “go” with a lot of guys. Well, some guys won’t be all right with it, and some will. And when the time comes along, a guy will make it clear if he doesn’t want to be just a fling, but rather something more special. Until then, am I right in saying don’t consider this the starting point to something beautiful?

– Sylvie Hill

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – June 23, 2005

“One thing skateboarding has in common with rock ‘n’ roll-both achieved perfection in the 1970s.”
~Steve Palmer, singer & guitarist, The Setbacks

What do you get when you pair up a 15-year-old music fan with his 16-year-old skater friend? You get Kevin Kockler and Craig Wheeler, two Kanata youths who have just started a business called Mi Skateboards, painting skateboards on the cheap with customized artwork of your choice. Check out www.miskateboards.tk/.

Combining a love of music, skateboarding and art, these dudes just finished painting (known as “branding”) a skateboard with the fabulous naked lady album art off the One Track Mind CD from local garage rockers, The Setbacks (www.thesetbacks.com).

And speaking of wicked bands, I may hit them up to paint me a Lindy-themed deck next. If you visit www.lindymusic.com, you’ll see the 10-foot tall Canadian music lord stretched across his home page – I fear we may have to cut off his Pumas to fit him on a board!

You may think it’s cheesy to pay homage to the rock gods by inscribing maple with images of their apostles, but hey, if you can’t date ’em, paint ’em. And stop laughing and admit it – there’s more than one of you who contemplated tattooing the Bad Religion logo or P.J. Harvey’s face across your chest until your mom said “No.”

So fuck you too, nerd.

E-mail the guys at mi_skate_27@hotmail.com and they’ll get your passion on a deck, instead. Show all your friends, ride it, mount it, make it your cousin’s wedding gift or use it as a tray when you eat your shawarmas or cut your rock-star cocaine. So many options.

It’s affordable, too. Skateboarding is not a crime but the prices associated with it can be. With the price of pro-decks at about $80 and up, Kockler and Wheeler knew it would be cheaper if they designed their own.

So, for between $15 and $80 can you get whatever you want? “Pretty much,” Kockler said.

“If we have to supply the deck, it’s about $60 and it goes up depending on the graphic,” Kockler said in a phone interview from his parent’s house where he lives in air-conditioned comfort with a pool in the back-which is filled with water. (No scrapin’ the bowl for Kockler, but Wheeler, as his name suggests, is indeed a skater who’s been at it for three years.)

Here’s what happens: The boys transfer your image of choice onto the computer, print it out, then Wheels draws it onto the deck, and they paint it. “For the base coat, we’re using paint that has a bit of lacquer in it. Then we use Varathane for the final coat,” Kockler says. Both credit their artsy-fartsy uncles’ genes for inspiration.

I asked Melanie Harris, manageress of Top of the World on Rideau Street, what she thinks of this enterprise. She says branding decks is a “hard market to get into.” There’s a lot of competition, not to mention the hurdles of copyright law.

As for what constitutes classic skate graphics, skulls are still as big now as when, Harris reminds me, bands like Suicidal Tendencies dominated the skate scene. And even though Kockler and Wheeler are too young to remember bands like Anthrax and SNFU, they are still one with the skulls. When I caught them on a Friday night, they were painting “a signature skull with a tribal background on it.”

What is it about ratbones, skulls and skateboarding? “I guess skateboarding is more into punk music,” says Kockler, “and the skull is like the signature of skating and music and it all goes together.” (Hint: it’s a Bones Brigade thing).

Despite so many skate styles to choose from, including “surfer, hip-hop, and punk origination,” Harris told Shotgun, it’s definitely the dirty-punk, long-hair, trucker-hat, tight-jeans style called “hesh” that is currently most popular. And more skull-like, according to Kockler.

The new nekkid chick Setbacks deck speaks to this scene. And Steve Palmer, lead singer of the gritty rocker band, considers decks the next generation of band merchandise. “It’s just like bands that have their logo on belt buckles or cock rags at their merch table,” he said.

“We’re thinking of a series of Setbacks skateboards-one deck design for each member of the band,” Palmer said. Sounds like something KISS would do. “That way the kids can try to collect all four,” he added.

“But it’d be real tricky,” he admitted, “because we wouldn’t actually make one for Chris, our drummer. Nobody would buy that.” So he won’t be making it into the rock gods hall of fame because of his looks?

Judge for yourself if Chris deserves a deck on June 26 at 9:30 p.m. as the smartass Setbacks headline Zaphod Beeblebrox’s Cisco Systems’ Ottawa Bluesfest talent showcase series. Catch The Setbacks at Zaphod’s again on August 5.

– Sylvie Hill

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – June 16, 2005

You have risen me from the mines of my broodish depths, and the colour of life has taken on a brighter hue. To frame my feelings for you in words is to dull the luster of their intense and chaotic nature, and it implies an emotional order and structure that simply does not exist. How am I to capture in words the thrill I feel when you drape an opalescent leg over my own, or the wonder evoked when you laugh, or the admiration by which I am seized when your thoughtful, and often profound, insights are given voice? These are only instances of myriad emotions which constitute the answer to your ‘why do you love me?’

I’ve been lucky – all of my boyfriends have been way more romantic than I ever was. Take the above for example. That’s just a slice of a scrumptious two-pager in which he counted me thee ways. Call him traditional; he was a gentleman who pursued this woman with grace and eloquent missives. It didn’t hurt that he looked like a premier league soccer player either.

Yes, letter writing is a powerful tool to score the person you’re attracted to. It can move the most mysterious and budge the common and complacent. There’s something about a letter in your mailbox or a note shoved under your door. They’re tactile treats and the penmanship or scent and choice of the paper can inspire deep feelings and connection.

Unfortunately, modern technology such as e-mail and text messaging has replaced the art of wooful letter writing. But so has life itself these days. When’s the last time you took the time to pen some words to your beloved beyond the Post-it note on the fridge reminding them to throw out the trash? And how have you been trying to woo that dude you keep running into at the grocery store? With shots at the bar? Has the traditional art of courtship fallen by the wayside in favour of quick fixes, or worse – nothing?

There’s good news for Canadians in a new reality television series called The Letters … Rediscovering the Art of Courtship . It’s about letter writing and it starts production right here in Ottawa in August and addresses the question: Have we forgotten how to fall in love? GAPC Entertainment, which makes documentaries and television series, is producing this eight-part series due to air on Canadian Learning Television, Access Alberta, BookTV and Bravo!

“I came up with the idea because I am a romantic at heart,” says Hoda Elatawi, the producer of the show. Elatawi is now calling on Ottawa’s single and eligible Cyrano de Bergeracs and Roxannes (ages 25 to 35) to star in the show. Go to www.gapc.com and submit a simple questionnaire by June 20, 2005.

“We don’t want English lit majors necessarily, we want people who are romantics at heart and are willing to put their thoughts on paper,” Elatawi tells Shotgun.

Here’s how it works. Through a series of weekly journeys, each young man will set out to win the woman’s heart while learning the art of wooing. “In each episode they will have a task to accomplish and from that task they’ll be inspired to write their next correspondence,” Elatawi says. Also, the gents will be given hints about “Roxanne” and they’ll have to use their intuitiveness, creativity and romance to compose the “love” letters.

“The men will be doing their writing against the beautiful backdrop of the luxurious and gorgeous Brookstreet Resort,” Elatawi explains. It is not unlike the posh estate headquarters of other bigtime reality shows-Joe Millionaire comes to mind.

Will there be a love connection that leads to a wedding and chapel? “Who knows, but we want to inspire people to think about how to engage with another person in ways we used to and maybe don’t anymore,” Elatawi says.

Today’s on-the-go lifestyles choke our romantic souls, obsessions with appearance blind us to true inner beauty, and materialism has devalued our romantic relationships. Letters is attempting to rekindle the forgotten art of courtship, to nurture and shine a spotlight on the beauty of the traditional love letter.

The series assumes that a lot more than looks is what it takes to woo. “We wanted to come up with a television series that is within the programming trend of today but that doesn’t put the emphasis on physical appearance,” Elatawi says.

Good luck to Roxanne then who, up until the final episode, will only see her suitors on paper. In the end, will the winner’s wit be enough, or will Roxanne have to give him the red light-or card-of elimination? And if he’s hot like Beckham? Get an opalescent leg over him, girl!

XXX

A prolific love-letter writer, James Joyce – author of the sexy novel Ulysses – on August 22, 1909 wrote to his wife, Nora, gushing: “I see you in a hundred poses, grotesque, shameful, virginal, languorous. Give yourself to me, dearest, all, all when we meet.” Fitting for a couple whose first date on June 16, 1904 saw Nora making a man of Joyce by unbuttoning his fly in a dark alleyway. Not a bad start.

June 16 is also Bloomsday. Join people around the world eating kidneys and drinking Guinness, all in tribute to Leopold Bloom, the main character in Ulysses. Get thee to an Irish Pub!

– Sylvie Hill

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – June 9, 2005

In a male lover’s hot pursuit to prove his macho man-passion pumping action, he often overcompensates for what he fears is inadequate expertise by taking over and givn’er all night long. But you know what? While you’re fucking her like a superstar, contorting her body Cirque-du-Soleil style and lasting oh so long (someone get her an icepack), I got to ask you, you’re having a great time but do you even know she’s there?

Yeah, yeah … you got perfect technique, and managed to simultaneously penetrate her G-spot, find her magic button, kiss and sweet-talk her, releasing her body to the most exquisite sensations, and provoking sounds that might get her evicted. OK, so tell me Mr. Fuck Machine, where are you going to hang your medal? You heard me. It’s all about the guy, these marathon fucks, and it makes me wonder if women would have a better time with a virgin.

And while it can be enjoyable for a woman to be treated to an experienced lover who’ll throw her about like he owns her stuff, if it never changes up – if he’s always a Stalin hell-bent on enforcing his rules of loving rather than (pardon the cliché) “creating beautiful music together” – then what’s that telling you?

A man who takes too much control in the bedroom either a) believes women aren’t capable of pleasing him like he can himself (recall columnist Dan Savage’s warning to chronic masturbators: they risk rendering their cocks incapable of orgasm with even their most cherished of lovers); b) doesn’t accept that women can derive immense satisfaction from taking the reins and performing on, or for, their partner; or c) is scared of appearing vulnerable.

Do you agree, Shotgun reader, or did I miss something from my Friday night gabs with the guys down at the local watering hole?

The Try Too Hard type is missing out on the fun of a chilled-out gig where each abandons pretenses (and Christian hang-ups) of how sex should go. Forget what you saw in a dirty movie or overheard from some couple at a restaurant. Men’s Health Magazine’s Ask the Girl Next Door columnist Nicole Beland “suspects many men take their lovemaking cues from porn, but on fast-forward.” Her solution: “The more you vary the script, the better she’ll respond.”

Sounds cheesy, but when it comes to lovemaking, just look within. And when in doubt, use The Force, Luke.

The Force was there when you coached your wife breathlessly with an encouraging chorus of “Almost there, baby!” as that excellent woman of yours used The Force to muster up enough muscle to prolong her death-grip on your cock with one hand while the other played with your pods and dilly dallied your dark star all to satisfying and, might I say, explosive proportions. You go, girl!

The Force was there again guiding you Single Guys one Saturday night in Montréal when you respectfully let the new girl take your bed, while you settled for the sofa-like a perfect gentleman. To your surprise though, she came out of the bathroom stark naked and jumped your bones screwing you silly with the fit body of a dancer and corresponding stamina, endurance and rhythm and kisses, the elixir of sex magic. Who said nice guys finish last? You go, pal!

The epic sex saga seems more rewarding when you let The Force (and the woman) take over instead of turning things over to the dictator who lurks inside a lot of guys.

And in terms of who makes a better lover anyways, forget Storm Troopers. Those guys are built so you’d think they’d be good in bed. But while they’re apt fighters, they’re buff and dumb and not as interesting, as say the dark and mysterious Darth Maul, don’t you think?

Darth Maul – now he’s been around. His eyes are jaundiced and his face is all red and black. Clearly this represents years of drinking, high blood pressure and smoking while acquiring life experience as an outer space barfly. And yet, he excites me to no end. Yes, I have to reevaluate my definition of “attractive.”

But truly, it’s the unassuming nice creatures who can teach you a valuable trick or two. Take Yoda for example. He’s no Han Solo or sexpot Vader. He’s pretty fucking gross looking and is literally down to earth, living in a modest home in a swamp. But when Luke Skywalker’s spaceship was down for the count, Yoda was the one who counselled him on how to get it up.

And Yoda said: “There is no try, only do.”

Like Luke’s preoccupation with his inability to raise his rocket, so too can men’s preoccupation with their sexual performance be a barrier to stirring up some meaningful action in the universe. Sure the scene is memorable, but it’s ostensibly marked by shortcoming until, in the Jedi’s case, he puts some heart into the task.

Following Yoda’s teachings then, if men put their minds, soul and spirit – rather than just their egos and dicks – into making love to their woman, maybe we’d see a lot more return of the Jedi to the lair of the princess, no?

– Sylvie Hill

The Ottawa XPress – June 9, 2005

[UPDATE! Pete makes a cameo appearance in the 2005 movie, Greg et Gentillon about two comediens from Aylmer who go to Toronto to make the bigtime, only to have one of the duo join the famous loud rock band, Maximum RnR !]

Taking his inspiration from heavy metal, stand-up comic Pete Zedlacher tells XPress, “I’ve seen Metallica seven times and I always leave, like, exhausted and my voice is raw from singing all the lyrics. That’s how I want my audience to leave; just exhausted afterwards with their stomachs sore and their voices raw from laughing so hard.”

Yuk Yuk’s and Absolute Comedy dole out the summer laughs

Zedlacher is all about fun and gags – and beyond signing boobs and performing about 25 shows a month, he’s also provided tour-of-duty entertainment for Canadian troops in Afghanistan. See him at Yuk Yuk’s between June 9 and 11 (88 Albert Street, 236-5233) but for a preview, visit his site at www.zedlacher.com.

Next up at Yuk Yuk’s is Terry McGurrin (June 16-18), known for his tell-it-like-it-is humour on stage and in his CTV series, Comedy Inc. Also straight off TV is Stewart Francis (June 23-25). A favourite in the U.K., and a former guest on Craig Ferguson’s The Late Late Show on CBS, Francis’ gags are described by one Scottish critic as “razored-down one-liners with disarming set-ups lurching into twisted and bitter pay-offs, drier than a Manhattan martini.”

Need more laughs? Just a month away, and advanced tickets are going fast for Laugh out Proud, the funniest and best of Canada’s gay and lesbian comedians, July 7 to 10 at Yuk Yuk’s, starring Martha Chaves, Richard Ryder, Trevor Boris, Ted Morris and Heidi Foss.

Toronto’s Chaves was born and raised in Nicaragua during the tumultuous years of the Sandinista revolution and her comedy is nothing short of explosive. Richard Ryder will then bitchslap the audience, leaving them begging for more. And don’t miss the 26-year-old crowd-pleaser Trevor Boris – a fast-paced, hip, and edgy comedian bringing pink humour to the masses with a ‘Get on board or get out!’ style.

Hot on their heels at Laugh out Proud are Ted Morris and Heidi Foss. Foss is a two-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee for best female stand-up in Canada who has written for the CBC’s This Hour Has 22 Minutes.

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It’s Italian Week at Absolute Comedy Club (412 Preston Street, 233-8000) and that means busy Preston Street will get even crazier than on most weekends. It all starts off with Tony Vendetti June 9 to 11. Performing since 1986, funnyman Vendetti is known for his razzamatazz style. “When I do comedy, I’m 100 per cent energy,” he says from his home in the Italian community of Thorold, Ontario. “I’m Italian and I’m just being me.” There are a lot of funny things that go in to being him. Expect some great storytelling from this guy.

Also at Absolute Comedy, June 16-18 will be killer nights featuring The Doo Wops and Vic Lippucci, and then it’s addio Italy and hello to Maritime comics The Boys From the Shore (June 22 to 25) featuring Darryl Purvis, Jay Malone and Mark Ferrell.

Rather than typical Maritime humour (according to Purvis, just “a bunch of fishermen jokes, which drives us nuts”) this laid-back former class clown and his partners have taken a different route. His first words ever on stage: “So my penis fell off, let me explain.”

“It’s a joke about how bad I am with women,” he says, and explains it’s about how Toronto women have emasculated him and his mates. When XPress asked what’s the problem, he said it has a lot to do with being transplanted from Antigonish to the Big Smoke. “There’s a lot of them! When you come from a town of 5,000 and you grew up with all 20 of the women, it’s a little overwhelming to walk down the street.”

And finally, celebrate Canada’s birthday June 30 to July 2 with homegrown comedy at Absolute Comedy featuring Sugar Sammy and Mark Bennet.

– Sylvie Hill

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – June 2, 2005

What do you get when you cross a computer-savvy sexy lady and a difficult divorce? A kick-ass website called Heartless Bitches International (HBI) at www.heartlessbitches.com. But hold up. Before you stop reading and assume HBI is just another bitter-girl break-up feel-good sisterhood club, think again. This is a “shit or get off the pot” resource for both men and women featuring a bitchitorial, columns, book lists, quotes and merchandise. It’s the gateway past Dr. Phil and toward contentment that’ll help catapult you and your friends out of your sorry sad-sack selves.

This direct, no – bullshit site is the brainchild of Ottawa’s “Natalie P” who began posting observations on life and love on her personal web page back in 1995. So many people were interested in responding to her insights that she started a members list. “I created software for HBI to deal with the membership requests,” Natalie told Shotgun, “to weed out the bad ones.” (Like the guys who want to become a member just to pick up chicks or the girls who man-bash.)

Since then, HBI has become a popular swift kick to the heads of whiners, complainers and victims everywhere, designed to wake them the fuck up and teach them to regain control of their “unfortunate” situations.

“I’ve no time or patience anymore for people who continually inflict pain on themselves in the form of abusive relationships or never-ending job difficulties, and then go looking for a sympathetic ear,” she said. “Don’t ask me for advice if you don’t want to hear it.” That’s the vibe that permeates HBI.

HBI scoffs at lazy women who use emotional and sexual manipulation to get what they want instead of using their brains and muscles. Females who continually whine about how awful men are, but keep dating the same kind of assholes over and over again are under the microscope here.

But Natalie’s goal is also for HBI to explore issues like why a man championing a cause in the workplace is a hero but a woman is often called bitchy. “The site is about overcoming the many negative connotations around women being overpowered,” she said. She hates that many women feel they should just expect less – instead of the guys becoming more.

She’s learned that the need to assert one’s needs becomes paramount after a certain age. “HBI is about standing up for yourself with an ‘I don’t care what you say’ mentality,” Natalie says. “It’s about being 100 per cent yourself.” This woman’s had it with people telling assertive women they’re too loud or too opinionated. She’s given up on worrying about offending.

Instead, she identifies with thinkers such as Clarissa Pinkola Estés (Women Who Run With the Wolves) and Ottawa’s Keith Anderson. In his book, On Your Own Again, speaking about women in unsatisfying marriages, Anderson says women in their 30s begin registering a “gnawing dissatisfaction” with their lives while “Men, being retarded, haven’t twigged to this yet” until their 40s.

To date, the site is flourishing and getting a lot of attention overseas. HBI is trademarked in the United States but, “Canada considers the HBI name too obscene,” Natalie said. “And at $350 an hour for a trademark lawyer,” she adds, “it’s too expensive. I want to put my kids through university, thanks.” She would also like to get to a point where she could pay her writers and she is all for a teen version of the site and a “heartless bastards” site. There’s also the idea floating around to write a book. “I never tried to be a leader,” she said. And she knows she doesn’t have all the answers. “I’m at a point in my life where I’m happy, but I worked hard for it. I just get out there and do it.”

Like a month ago, when she and a bunch of friends dug through eight yards of dirt in her backyard. Within two days, she had all the landscaping done. About physical and emotional trials she says, “We all face challenges. We just have to work hard and ‘suck it up.'”

Admittedly, we all can fall into bad situations by being weak and really stupid. Consider HBI the first step in the right direction toward learning how to efface that self-perpetuating victimology.

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Sneak a peek at Tweak Ottawa’s Tweak Clothing launches its first fashion show at Shanghai Restaurant (651 Somerset Street West) on Monday June 6, at 7 p.m. Designers Shirley Tam, Christine Ambroise and Kerry Campbell have transformed old clothing into ready-to-wear garments to spice up the Shanghai runway. “We really like using recycled fabrics,” Campbell said. “We don’t like to see things go to waste. It’s also a huge, cheap resource to start up a clothing company.”

The line will feature old sweatshirts tweaked into kimono-styled wrap-arounds and dresses altered into shirts. An actual fashion show means that “people respond to it [the clothing] more on a model than they would have if you just laid it out on the table. If you don’t see them on, you may not understand how to wear them.”

Catch Tweak Clothing also at the Ladyfest craft sale, Saturday June 11, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.

– Sylvie Hill

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – May 19, 2005

The Victoria Day long weekend is here again. And I have to ask myself: What does the English Queen Victoria – credited with little humour à la “we are not amused,” wearing a lace cap and symbolizing an age of Victorian repression – have to do with Shotgun?

Well, about as much as Molson Canadian has to do with why the May “Two Four” weekend is often about letting loose over a case of beer, thank you very much.

Here at Shotgun, we like to stick it to the Vics and similarly sexually repressed and arched-brow types with columns on beer, blowjobs or Hawksley Workman obsessions. Stay tuned to upcoming Shotguns that will feature the Ottawa-based Heartless Bitches International, menopausal women, and men’s preoccupation with sexual performance. I think we might also field-trip to examine the anatomy of adult video stores.

But for readers with little interest in that tomfoolery, have I got something for you this week! No sex-just straight-up sexy ladies who are doing it amongst themselves, business style. This week’s Shotgun features a handful of inspiring and motivated women in Ottawa who have tossed both their doilies and their doubts to the wind to bravely go where most of us want to go, opening a business or starting the initiative of their dreams.

From fashion to crafty treats, cherry pies and magazines, here are a few favourite things brought to you exclusively by Ottawa ladies.

– Sylvie Hill

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Fashion, puh-lease! The law of shopping according to HUSH Clothing’s Angie Russell and Alison Hughes: “Buy re-sale not retail.” With HUSH, Russell and Hughes have created a “boutique-style” atmosphere for Ottawa women to shop for stylish consignment clothing, shoes and accessories in a range of sizes.

They want women to enjoy a positive shopping experience. To help this along, “we help with personal shopping,” Russell says. “And if there is a particular item you are looking for we have a ‘wish list’ and we’ll call you when that item comes in.” The ladies also host a number of events including workshops on how to accessorize or dressing for your body type.

The idea for HUSH was plucked from the pile of unworn clothes Russell and Hughes had been exchanging between friends for the past 10 years to revamp their wardrobes. They encourage women in the same situation to sell previously owned clothes on consignment at HUSH. You can easily browse their inventory and check your account online. If you’d prefer the in-person shopping experience, Russell says, “The store is open evenings and weekends to cater to those working full-time.”

Check them out at 395 Richmond Road while you’re at Westfest on June 10 or 11. Read about them in the May issue of www.louloumagazine.com.

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Dalhousie dollhouses This weekend, as you’re not tiptoeing through the NCC tulips, but around them, make sure to devote some time to wander down Dalhousie Street. Now joining the group of women-run shops (Attic, Amuse and Soho Betty) is the new Workshop Studio and Boutique at 242-1/2 Dalhousie Street. Run by Christina Ballhorn and Bridget Remai, this part-studio, part-boutique sells clothing, handbags and jewellery handcrafted exclusively by women. (Look out for knitting or sewing workshops in the future, which the girls hope will inspire creativity and community.)

Workshop Boutique sells ethically made products to ethically minded consumers. “Consumers here in Ottawa see the need to link the product with the producers,” says Remai, which is one of the reasons why she and Ballhorn post the artisans’ bios in-store.

Two socially conscious and creative ladies, the industrious troopers first met at 4 a.m. on Canada Day last year waiting to get a stall to sell their wares in the Byward Market. After that meeting, Ballhorn and Remai left their professional positions to open the business.

Going into business for yourself is a scary thing,” says Ballhorn. “Before you open the doors, you have no idea what the response will be.” Both girls credit the Cherry Pie event in April for the opportunity to discuss and share with other women the challenges and fears of what Ballhorn calls “taking a chance for their dreams.”

Visit www.workshopboutique.ca.

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Cherry on top Cherry Pie is an exhibition and networking event organized by Catherine Landry of Helsinki Lounge and Disco. It’s designed to inspire and promote women and their businesses. “In a world that spins so fast, it is important to work together and build a community that is strong,” says Landry. Her events help raise money for local organizations such as Harmony House and Queen Mary School. When the next one rolls around, make sure to get a piece of the pie!

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Pink ink Lisane Hurtubise, Mandy McCrone, Cynthia Misener and Emily Turk are self-publishing Hotpink, Ottawa’s new feminist magazine for young women. “We wanted a resource for Ottawa’s feminist community that has very few venues from which to sound off,” says McCrone. “Again and again we heard people saying, ‘Ottawa sucks, Ottawa’s a political town,’ and we wanted to finally move beyond that and start showing people all the amazing things to see, do and buy in Ottawa.”

Got an idea of what those would be? Send submissions to: hotpinkmagazine@gmail.com by June 1. No poetry, and feature articles should be less than 2,500 words on: worthy causes, music, movies, books, TV, sex, crafts and neighbourhood news. Premiere issue out in summer 2005.

Ottawa XPress – Shotgun – May 12, 2005

Shy of being a total starfucker, I just can’t help it: I heart rock stars.

Hell, I can’t say I’ve ever ran as many errands about town as I have this month hoping for a chance encounter with big star Howe Gelb of Giant Sand, rumoured to be recording right here in O-town. And with Tulip Festival in full bloom – and July’s Bluesfest promising a killer lineup including Calexico, ZZ Top, Holly Golightly and Daniel Lanois, and Westfest presenting Danny Michel – get ready for some serious stargazing, folks. An impressive whack of incredible rock stars is coming to a stage (and eatery and pub and public toilet) near you.

But here’s a question for you, Shotgun reader: If you’re like me and get giddy for great talent, then what do you think it is about a rock star or ‘music industry type’ that is so darned sexy? There’s something about them, isn’t there? You can tell when a rock star has walked into the room – something about the way they carry themselves or their “look.” Would Mick Jagger have half as much appeal for us with those big lips and that teeny ass if he wasn’t a Rolling Stone?

I’m sure Dr. James Houran’s book Celebrity Worshippers: Inside the Minds of Stargazers would be able to tell us a few things. Unable to locate the book in Ottawa, I had to resort to my own experience with meeting a few “famous” people. This is what I came up with.

When I dated a producer for a radio station in Toronto called CFNY 102.1 FM, now The Edge, I learned how folks in the music biz are pretty connected.

I met Him at a hockey game-CFNY vs. The Rheostatics. I was 18 and naive and didn’t really understand the music business well enough to not feel guilty about all the freebies He would shower upon me. I felt a constant pressure to return a kiss for a free tape. Never mind what I thought I would have to do for U2 tickets! And Dad let me run wild with Him because He was a “Somebody” – as though He was going to announce responsibly, while hosting the All-Request Nooner, His secret plans to slip virgin Sylvie the meaty weenie.

But the attraction of the big-shot radio guy is that He introduced me to a whirlwind of people and places that were exciting for a young woman totally into music. And He drove a wicked car. Problem was, before a party He was hosting, He would always caution me not to be too surprised to see girls falling all over Him. I deserve an Oscar for acting not surprised when he started dating my friend.

For some reason, my image of the Rheostatics’ modest frontman Martin Tielli doesn’t quite fit the same mould of lofty self-importance. Here’s why: One evening before the Rheos took the stage at Barrymore’s, I saw Mr. Tielli walking into Dunn’s Deli on Elgin Street. I said “hi” and asked to join him. He said sure. And then there we were, sipping soup and talking about poverty in India. A real gentleman, he lent me his corduroy suit jacket to keep warm while we ate, and after dinner he walked me home and I gave him directions to Bank Street. Let’s just say that when it comes to integrity in the music biz – and hockey –Tielli carries the team, and the Rheos come out points ahead.

The idea that a “music type” is just a normal person fascinates me. I mean, I find it endearing to learn a seemingly arrogant musician is just painfully shy. Or that they do “normal people” things. Heaven help me if I see Joel Plaskett buying deodorant at Shoppers Drug Mart before his headliner show May 16 at Tulip Fest – I may faint. Seriously, there’s a big attraction to having a window in on the singer’s intimate world through his or her tunes, then meeting them face to face over meatball soup or having them write you back on e-mail. It carries a bit of intrigue, no?

Okay, so short of these experiences being trite and boring, there are spicier tales, like the time at Zaphod’s II when I was playing drunken pool with the Stereophonics’ drummer and my jokes about lead singer Kelly Jones’ sweater escalated into a swearing match. I now know how to call myself a “cunt” in Welsh. But that exchange taught me there were such things as patient rock stars, and that I become an obnoxious attention-getter after too many Molson Canadians. I was so riled up I’m surprised I didn’t return home and trash my digs, G n’ R style. (The ‘Phonics are back in town for a sold-out show at Zaphod’s, May 12. If anyone has an extra ticket…and a muzzle…)

But in the spirit of Tulip Fest’s “Peace & friendship” motto this year, and with all the awesome musicians rolling in, I propose a love-in. We can pucker up and pelt them with our own two-lip kisses to thank them for the wonderful soul-expanding tunes and mood-enhancing remedies they churn out in audio for our listening pleasure. I would start with Lynn Miles on May 15, Lowest Of The Low on May 16, and work my way up to Ron Sexsmith and, of course, Hawksley Workman, who closes the festival on May 23.

Smoochie smooch!

– Sylvie Hill